Back to square one. Finally found that writing helps, yet I get over confident and think I’ll be fine by skipping a few days, just because I had a brief moment of happiness. Clearly not. I’ve lost count. The amount of times I’ve had breakdowns and stuff. This past week. I hate it. I hate that I can’t stick to a routine. I hate that I can’t be consistent.

Referring to my last post, my date went pretty well. I had no idea though how it went, I mean at least until the end. I cannot read people to save my life. So, I assumed the worst (at first) – she wasn’t attracted to me. I felt so ugly and awkward. And I couldn’t help it. Though I’m attracted to her, I’ve gotta admit I’ve now realised that I prefer girls that aren’t tall. She kept on making jokes about my height, like at first it was funny but then repetitive and annoying but I took it, it must’ve been her way of dealing with how she felt I guess. I noticed she looked somewhat different to what she looks like in her pictures, not greatly but ever so slightly which made me wonder how different I look irl to my pics. Got me worried. But not for long, I mean we had banter and conversations better than I expected. Her personality is great and so so different to mine.

Deets about the date! 4:30PM at Nando’s. I was late but she was even later than me so I guess I was early. I have a bad habit of being late. Being late has caused many problems for me in the past so I was super worked up. If it weren’t for the Snapchat map, I would’ve thought she was standing me up. The fact that I had to wait for her for a while made me feel so anxious – I dashed to the toilet at one point to hide. Anyway, when she finally arrived, we hugged and apparently, I was shaking. Like physically shaking for a while. She told me this and I felt so embarrassed. I always thought, whenever I felt shaky, it was in my head. We eventually laughed it off. After Nando’s, we went to watch The Mummy despite deciding to watch Wonder Woman ☹. The Mummy was quite comical which I disliked cos I feel like a idiot when everyone laughs at something funny and I’m thinking to myself whether I should force a laughter or just be quiet. Loved the jump scares though. I wanted to interlink arms so we could both share the armrest but I was too scared. And she didn’t either, even though I thought she would cos she seems like the one who’d take the lead out of the both of us. That lead me to think she probably didn’t find me attractive. I wasn’t that fussed cos I was expecting disappointment. Anyway, after that, we were walking for ages. Alongside the canals, which was nice. I struggled to make conversation sometimes which sucked and I hated it so much cos I wanted to talk so bad but I just didn’t know what to talk about. We walked and walked and walked to the point that we were lost. Had to call an Uber to our home area by this time it was around 11PM I think. We stood in at the entrance of an alleyway trying to say goodbye for an hour. She kept giving me hints on wanting to kiss but I just didn’t know how to ‘go for it’ since I’ve never kissed a girl whilst sober. She finally, after ages, made a move and tugged on my jumper. It was so funny but it happened. I felt so embarrassed but relieved that it finally happened after all that tension. Couldn’t stop smiling.

So, we’ve been talking everyday since we met and I’m gonna meet her for the second time on the 8th. We’ll be going to an LGBT party together and staying the night in London and spending most of Sunday together as well. I’m nervous again. Sleeping with a girl is new territory for me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t wanna go forward until I’m comfortable but knowing myself, I don’t know if I’ll ever be comfortable. I should be prepared for it if she does take the lead. I’m still so surprised that she likes me.

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