Today (well technically yesterday) has been unproductive af. I can’t recall doing anything useful apart from working out. I didn’t even play LoL like I usually do which means I missed out on the missions. I suck at playing anyway, don’t know why I bother. I feel ridiculously anxious because I have a date on Friday. I’m surprised I managed to open up to her the way I have. And her reaction to it all was positive because she has anxiety too. Idk I’m just happy that the conversation isn’t forced or awkward. I can tell her anxiety affects her much less than my anxiety does me. I hate how it prevents me from making friends and just socialising in general like normal people do. The amount of times I’ve cried about this is ridiculous, but no amount of crying will fix my situation. My illness. My disease.
I think I’m started to get feelings for her and I don’t know how to feel about that. I haven’t spoken to her for long; it’s been a week since I met her online. But we’ve been talking everyday since. We have so much in common, it’s ridiculous. She does the things that I used to love doing like reading and art. I’m actually so scared cos I really want this to work out. She is so different to me, personality wise. I wish I was cooler. Sometimes I hate the fact that I’m bi. Why do I find girls so attractive? I feel like that’s one of the reason why I find it hard to be friends with girls. My heart is actually beating so fast right now thinking about Friday. I just want to impress her so bad. We’re planning to watch Wonder Woman at the cinema. I have a massive crush on Gal Gadot right now. I’m definitely attracted to girls more than guys but sometimes I feel as though I’m gay. Is there a certain term for that? Some LGBT terms are so hard to understand. Or maybe I’m just dumb. Most likely the latter. I feel really self-conscious. Having a date on Friday has actually pushed me to workout but I haven’t seen any results which is really demotivating. I wish I could afford going to the gym. Actually even if I could, I’d have another problem – I’d have no one to go with. Course I could go alone but being around strangers triggers my anxiety. One problem after another.
I haven’t really been active in the pro ana group chat. I wish I was but I feel a bit out of place firstly because I’m the eldest in the group and secondly because I’m not white (I think everyone in the group is white). I feel as though not many people wanna reply to me. I try to reply to everyone whenever I’m active. I guess I’d be more active if everyone actually replied to my messages instead of ignoring them. I’m actually the admin as well which is funny. The main admin of the chat promoted me to admin and left lol. I came up with the idea of logging everyone’s stats down last week so we could track everyone’s progress. Friday is the first day that we’re logging weights down to see how much we’ve progressed in a week. I hate weighing myself to see that I’ve gone up or stayed the same. It’s actually so demotivating. I feel as though I’ll still be 116lb by Friday but we’ll see. Until then I gotta be hard on myself, carry on with my restricted eating, work out and avoid the scales! Please weight go down by Friday, please, please, please!