Last night/morning, I was listening to 13 Reasons Why soundtracks for the first time, some of them are so so good. I shed some tears watching some scenes again. I can feel the pain, like it’s real. Like I’m her. Like I’m watching myself. I empathised with Hannah Baker on so many levels, I can’t even begin to explain. I wish Hannah Baker was a real person and I wish I could be friends with her. I cried so much when I watched it. You know when you see or hear something really good and get goosebumps – that’s 13 Reasons Why. It’s like the story of my life only with different problems. I kind of look up to Hannah Baker. She had willpower. She tried despite setback after setback. I give up so easily and I hate that about me. I hate being a pessimist but I always look at the bad side of things. It’s all I’ve ever seen. Can you blame me? I don’t think so. Can someone try to love me back to life?

Also, can I just a have a best friend please? I’m not asking for several, just one person I can connect to properly. Can someone just understand me properly? I always give my all to others but get practically nothing in return. People are evil. People are actually evil and selfish. You can only trust yourself. I don’t even trust myself tbf. And I’m sick of being nobody. I just want to be somebody. But who wants to even know (let alone be friends with) someone who’s a weirdo with issues, really.

Today, despite having worked out and eaten healthily, I feel extremely ugly. Uglier than usual. I think I’d be happy being a loner with a secret diary once I’m skinny. I can imagine it. It’s a happy place. People would envy my body. Yes please, I’d like really that. How long is it gonna take? And can I wait that long? Idk, actually to be honest even if I make it, I think I’ll still be lonely.


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