I’m fuming!!! I feel like I’m burning up. My blood is bubbling inside my body. BOILING. I was just working out and I work out naked. I don’t have a lock on my door (thanks to my lovely mother!). My brother walked in on me. Ever heard of knocking? There’s a door for a reason. I haven’t yelled like I just did in ages, my throat is hurting so much. Did I over react? NO, I FUCKING DIDN’T. If something triggers me, I will get angry or upset IDGAF. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. I hate my family – my parents, for making my childhood so hard, for being controlling, for being so damn abusive and my brothers, for being so bratty and dumb (but I guess that’s what brothers do best). I hate my childhood. It’s made me the person that I am today. Abuse, abuse and abuse. That’s all my childhood was. Verbal, physical and sexual. I wish I was never born. I would’ve had a sister that’s older than me by 3 years but mum had a miscarriage. I wish she was born and mum had the miscarriage with me. Mum always says how she would’ve been the perfect daughter if she was born, something which I can never be, no matter how hard I try. I wish I could kill myself sometimes. But it’s scary, you know? I don’t have the willpower to go through with it, even just thinking about it – my mind just steers the thought of it away. Death is scary. God forgive me for all my sins. I don’t want to go to hell. I want to be happy. Please. Just please.
I was thinking today wasn’t so bad until my twat of a brother walked in on me. Why does something bad always have to happen? I always imagine myself in an empty parking lot screaming at the top of my lungs. I cleaned up my cuts today – the pain was bliss, sometimes I yearn for it as oppose to the pain I feel from life. I only ate a piece of chicken thigh (and a teeny bit of a drumstick) and salad. I was so happy that I didn’t have carbs. I despise carbs now. I’ve lost my love for rice. I should’ve taken the skin off the chicken, would’ve been even better – at least I know that for next time now. I also attempted to make a slushie? Didn’t quite work cos I didn’t use enough ice I think idk but it tasted healthy af. Just apples and ice (and a tiny bit of blackcurrent cordial). Would defo try it again. I wanted to have just that as my dinner but didn’t wanna upset my parents by not eating, they took the time to cook so it’s kinda rude not to eat, right? That and maybe more so that I couldn’t resist not eating the chicken. That’s one thing I don’t think I can give up eating.
I think I’m an on and off insomniac if there’s any such thing. I couldn’t sleep at all last night. Maybe it was the heat but everyone else could sleep so why not me? I was recommended a book called Nod by Adrian Barnes. It’s about not sleeping and psychosis and shit. I’m honestly looking forward to it coming through the post! Am I sad? Tick. I look forward to the most mundane things, so yes I am fucking sad.