Here I am trying to express my thoughts and feelings. People say it helps? Feel like it helped somewhat writing my last entry. I didn’t end up cutting last night which is what I usually do when I feel like that. After my last entry, I went to sleep. I woke up like I do any other day and opened my curtains. Did feel a lot better than last night so I guess sleeping also helped. Shortly after I worked out, I felt dreadful again. Isn’t that funny? They say exercising helps release happy chemicals to the brain – guess that didn’t work for me. Anyway, I shut my curtains and sat in the dark and not long after that I burst into tears. I tried telling strangers how I feel because I don’t have anyone to talk to or at least I don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone I know. So they were strangers, from a pro ana group chat. Most of them didn’t reply, which I expected tbh. However, two of them did, saying the generic ‘it’ll be okay’ and I appreciate that… at least they cared enough to reply but I know it won’t be okay, a least not for me, not for ages. How do I get through this until it is okay? I wish I had someone I could relate to, so we can feel like this together, so I wouldn’t feel so alone.
My hands get sweaty and shaky before I cut, it’s almost like a slight fight or flight response. More often than not, I do end up cutting. Right now, I’m sat naked. Ugly and naked. Fat, ugly and naked. In the dark. The blood has dried up. Cutting helps. It’s my best friend, a part of me. A shoulder to cry on except it helps me stop crying. It’s beautiful. Crimson red. Flowing freely. Wish I could be free. I’m a prisoner of my mind, body and skin.