My eyelids are heavy

Well 11 hours sleep in 72 hours isn’t too bad, is it? I’m in agonising pain rn though. Spent 7 hours yesterday shifting all my stuff from my old flat to my new flat. Thought it’d be a 2 hour job since the new flat is situated in the next building to my old one. But hell no. I think it was about 50 trips back and forth. Need to stress that there was a flight of stairs I had to climb each time. I have way too much stuff. Hate being a hoarder but I really can’t help it. It’s a force of a habit. My parents offered to help but I didn’t want them going through my stuff. Didn’t know how much alcohol and smoke I had sitting there. I struggled but here I am, I managed in the end all by myself. Had my first meal of the day after midnight which I was happy about. Ended up sleeping for 3 hours. And woke up to the most terrible pain in my legs and back. I was limping when I got up. Tried to get some rest but it hurts every time I toss and turn in bed.

Really want to sleep right now but I keep getting nightmares. Gave up after 2 hours of trying. It felt so real though. I thought I was hallucinating in the nightmare. But it turned out to be real. Stuck in an illusion. I broke out of it when my ears suddenly became super sensitive and focused in on the music I left on which caused me to jerk out of sleep. It happens so frequently to me, I hate it. It hurts so much. I fear sleep. I hate how I’m not in control. How I can’t choose what I want to dream. I try to stay awake for as long as I physically can which usually means I get into a really bad sleeping pattern. Sleep gradually takes over me anyway. I try to fight it but it possesses me. Consumes me. It’s scary. I don’t know if I’ll wake up to see the next day.

I made myself a pomegranate and mango smoothie for brunch, it tastes so good!!! I’m actually happy with myself for once, for getting this far with the healthy eating and exercise. Never managed to go this long in the past when I’ve tried. I feel like treating myself, came across a super cute grunge outfit but I’m so broke. I need a job. Speaking of jobs, I’ve applied for some. I hope I get lucky.

My first sober kiss.

Back to square one. Finally found that writing helps, yet I get over confident and think I’ll be fine by skipping a few days, just because I had a brief moment of happiness. Clearly not. I’ve lost count. The amount of times I’ve had breakdowns and stuff. This past week. I hate it. I hate that I can’t stick to a routine. I hate that I can’t be consistent.

Referring to my last post, my date went pretty well. I had no idea though how it went, I mean at least until the end. I cannot read people to save my life. So, I assumed the worst (at first) – she wasn’t attracted to me. I felt so ugly and awkward. And I couldn’t help it. Though I’m attracted to her, I’ve gotta admit I’ve now realised that I prefer girls that aren’t tall. She kept on making jokes about my height, like at first it was funny but then repetitive and annoying but I took it, it must’ve been her way of dealing with how she felt I guess. I noticed she looked somewhat different to what she looks like in her pictures, not greatly but ever so slightly which made me wonder how different I look irl to my pics. Got me worried. But not for long, I mean we had banter and conversations better than I expected. Her personality is great and so so different to mine.

Deets about the date! 4:30PM at Nando’s. I was late but she was even later than me so I guess I was early. I have a bad habit of being late. Being late has caused many problems for me in the past so I was super worked up. If it weren’t for the Snapchat map, I would’ve thought she was standing me up. The fact that I had to wait for her for a while made me feel so anxious – I dashed to the toilet at one point to hide. Anyway, when she finally arrived, we hugged and apparently, I was shaking. Like physically shaking for a while. She told me this and I felt so embarrassed. I always thought, whenever I felt shaky, it was in my head. We eventually laughed it off. After Nando’s, we went to watch The Mummy despite deciding to watch Wonder Woman ☹. The Mummy was quite comical which I disliked cos I feel like a idiot when everyone laughs at something funny and I’m thinking to myself whether I should force a laughter or just be quiet. Loved the jump scares though. I wanted to interlink arms so we could both share the armrest but I was too scared. And she didn’t either, even though I thought she would cos she seems like the one who’d take the lead out of the both of us. That lead me to think she probably didn’t find me attractive. I wasn’t that fussed cos I was expecting disappointment. Anyway, after that, we were walking for ages. Alongside the canals, which was nice. I struggled to make conversation sometimes which sucked and I hated it so much cos I wanted to talk so bad but I just didn’t know what to talk about. We walked and walked and walked to the point that we were lost. Had to call an Uber to our home area by this time it was around 11PM I think. We stood in at the entrance of an alleyway trying to say goodbye for an hour. She kept giving me hints on wanting to kiss but I just didn’t know how to ‘go for it’ since I’ve never kissed a girl whilst sober. She finally, after ages, made a move and tugged on my jumper. It was so funny but it happened. I felt so embarrassed but relieved that it finally happened after all that tension. Couldn’t stop smiling.

So, we’ve been talking everyday since we met and I’m gonna meet her for the second time on the 8th. We’ll be going to an LGBT party together and staying the night in London and spending most of Sunday together as well. I’m nervous again. Sleeping with a girl is new territory for me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t wanna go forward until I’m comfortable but knowing myself, I don’t know if I’ll ever be comfortable. I should be prepared for it if she does take the lead. I’m still so surprised that she likes me.

Butterflies in my stomach like elephants

I’m dying. There’s only a few hundred thousand butterflies in my stomach right now. I feel so funny. I feel so nervous. I feel jittery. All because of a girl. Which is a first for me. This is so so weird. I feel like I’m dying from embarrassment. I don’t know why I’m feeling embarrassed though, I haven’t even met her yet. I’m meeting her in about 15 hours – yeah, I’m counting the hours down. Fuck. We shared our Spotify playlist with each other. Our music tastes are quite different but there are certain songs, artist and bands that we both like. I saved some songs that I liked from her playlist. And every time I listen to those songs, I can’t stop thinking about her. I’m infatuating over her like crazy. Feel like I’m gonna mess it up tomorrow. And I really don’t want to. Send help pls.

Can I wear a pink dress with grey vans? I’m so unprepared for this! My whole wardrobe is at my other place over 100 miles away ffs. I think I’m just gonna wear what I feel like when I wake up tomorrow. First date is supposed to be casual anyway, right? Not too dressy. So maybe I should scrap wearing a dress all in all. I do wanna impress her though! And a dress hides my thunder thighs. Why am I thinking about it so much? I should just take things as they come. I know what to wear! I’m gonna wear something that’ll make me feel good!

Above all, I’m really nervous about making conversation. Like what the hell fuck do you talk about? We’ve already spoken about everything. Really hope she takes the lead. Otherwise it’ll be a flop. We’re gonna be eating somewhere too, I hate eating in front of people unless I’m used to being around them.  Tomorrow is so outside my comfort zone, I think I might die. I need to smoke or drink, would help so much! People are so much easier when I’m anything but sober. And I don’t know if she drinks or smokes. I kinda hope she does. I hope she dresses nice as well, dress sense means so much to me. Tbh I love her personality so I don’t think her dress sense will mean much. Anyway, I need sleep. Good luck to me for tomorrow.

Hey, it’s Hannah, Hannah Baker

Last night/morning, I was listening to 13 Reasons Why soundtracks for the first time, some of them are so so good. I shed some tears watching some scenes again. I can feel the pain, like it’s real. Like I’m her. Like I’m watching myself. I empathised with Hannah Baker on so many levels, I can’t even begin to explain. I wish Hannah Baker was a real person and I wish I could be friends with her. I cried so much when I watched it. You know when you see or hear something really good and get goosebumps – that’s 13 Reasons Why. It’s like the story of my life only with different problems. I kind of look up to Hannah Baker. She had willpower. She tried despite setback after setback. I give up so easily and I hate that about me. I hate being a pessimist but I always look at the bad side of things. It’s all I’ve ever seen. Can you blame me? I don’t think so. Can someone try to love me back to life?

Also, can I just a have a best friend please? I’m not asking for several, just one person I can connect to properly. Can someone just understand me properly? I always give my all to others but get practically nothing in return. People are evil. People are actually evil and selfish. You can only trust yourself. I don’t even trust myself tbf. And I’m sick of being nobody. I just want to be somebody. But who wants to even know (let alone be friends with) someone who’s a weirdo with issues, really.

Today, despite having worked out and eaten healthily, I feel extremely ugly. Uglier than usual. I think I’d be happy being a loner with a secret diary once I’m skinny. I can imagine it. It’s a happy place. People would envy my body. Yes please, I’d like really that. How long is it gonna take? And can I wait that long? Idk, actually to be honest even if I make it, I think I’ll still be lonely.

I have a date, woop!

Today (well technically yesterday) has been unproductive af. I can’t recall doing anything useful apart from working out. I didn’t even play LoL like I usually do which means I missed out on the missions. I suck at playing anyway, don’t know why I bother. I feel ridiculously anxious because I have a date on Friday. I’m surprised I managed to open up to her the way I have. And her reaction to it all was positive because she has anxiety too. Idk I’m just happy that the conversation isn’t forced or awkward. I can tell her anxiety affects her much less than my anxiety does me. I hate how it prevents me from making friends and just socialising in general like normal people do. The amount of times I’ve cried about this is ridiculous, but no amount of crying will fix my situation. My illness. My disease.

I think I’m started to get feelings for her and I don’t know how to feel about that. I haven’t spoken to her for long; it’s been a week since I met her online. But we’ve been talking everyday since. We have so much in common, it’s ridiculous. She does the things that I used to love doing like reading and art. I’m actually so scared cos I really want this to work out. She is so different to me, personality wise. I wish I was cooler. Sometimes I hate the fact that I’m bi. Why do I find girls so attractive? I feel like that’s one of the reason why I find it hard to be friends with girls. My heart is actually beating so fast right now thinking about Friday. I just want to impress her so bad. We’re planning to watch Wonder Woman at the cinema. I have a massive crush on Gal Gadot right now. I’m definitely attracted to girls more than guys but sometimes I feel as though I’m gay. Is there a certain term for that? Some LGBT terms are so hard to understand. Or maybe I’m just dumb. Most likely the latter. I feel really self-conscious. Having a date on Friday has actually pushed me to workout but I haven’t seen any results which is really demotivating. I wish I could afford going to the gym. Actually even if I could, I’d have another problem – I’d have no one to go with. Course I could go alone but being around strangers triggers my anxiety. One problem after another.

I haven’t really been active in the pro ana group chat. I wish I was but I feel a bit out of place firstly because I’m the eldest in the group and secondly because I’m not white (I think everyone in the group is white). I feel as though not many people wanna reply to me. I try to reply to everyone whenever I’m active. I guess I’d be more active if everyone actually replied to my messages instead of ignoring them. I’m actually the admin as well which is funny. The main admin of the chat promoted me to  admin and left lol. I came up with the idea of logging everyone’s stats down last week so we could track everyone’s progress. Friday is the first day that we’re logging weights down to see how much we’ve progressed in a week. I hate weighing myself to see that I’ve gone up or stayed the same. It’s actually so demotivating. I feel as though I’ll still be 116lb by Friday but we’ll see. Until then I gotta be hard on myself, carry on with my restricted eating, work out and avoid the scales! Please weight go down by Friday, please, please, please!

It’s not okay and I’m not alright.

I’m fuming!!! I feel like I’m burning up. My blood is bubbling inside my body. BOILING. I was just working out and I work out naked. I don’t have a lock on my door (thanks to my lovely mother!). My brother walked in on me. Ever heard of knocking? There’s a door for a reason. I haven’t yelled like I just did in ages, my throat is hurting so much. Did I over react? NO, I FUCKING DIDN’T. If something triggers me, I will get angry or upset IDGAF. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. I hate my family – my parents, for making my childhood so hard, for being controlling, for being so damn abusive and my brothers, for being so bratty and dumb (but I guess that’s what brothers do best). I hate my childhood. It’s made me the person that I am today. Abuse, abuse and abuse. That’s all my childhood was. Verbal, physical and sexual. I wish I was never born. I would’ve had a sister that’s older than me by 3 years but mum had a miscarriage. I wish she was born and mum had the miscarriage with me. Mum always says how she would’ve been the perfect daughter if she was born, something which I can never be, no matter how hard I try. I wish I could kill myself sometimes. But it’s scary, you know? I don’t have the willpower to go through with it, even just thinking about it – my mind just steers the thought of it away. Death is scary. God forgive me for all my sins. I don’t want to go to hell. I want to be happy. Please. Just please.

I was thinking today wasn’t so bad until my twat of a brother walked in on me. Why does something bad always have to happen? I always imagine myself in an empty parking lot screaming at the top of my lungs. I cleaned up my cuts today – the pain was bliss, sometimes I yearn for it as oppose to the pain I feel from life. I only ate a piece of chicken thigh (and a teeny bit of a drumstick) and salad. I was so happy that I didn’t have carbs. I despise carbs now. I’ve lost my love for rice. I should’ve taken the skin off the chicken, would’ve been even better – at least I know that for next time now. I also attempted to make a slushie? Didn’t quite work cos I didn’t use enough ice I think idk but it tasted healthy af. Just apples and ice (and a tiny bit of blackcurrent cordial). Would defo try it again. I wanted to have just that as my dinner but didn’t wanna upset my parents by not eating, they took the time to cook so it’s kinda rude not to eat, right? That and maybe more so that I couldn’t resist not eating the chicken. That’s one thing I don’t think I can give up eating.

I think I’m an on and off insomniac if there’s any such thing. I couldn’t sleep at all last night. Maybe it was the heat but everyone else could sleep so why not me? I was recommended a book called Nod by Adrian Barnes. It’s about not sleeping and psychosis and shit. I’m honestly looking forward to it coming through the post! Am I sad? Tick. I look forward to the most mundane things, so yes I am fucking sad.

Giving it a try because why not?

Here I am trying to express my thoughts and feelings. People say it helps? Feel like it helped somewhat writing my last entry. I didn’t end up cutting last night which is what I usually do when I feel like that. After my last entry, I went to sleep. I woke up like I do any other day and opened my curtains. Did feel a lot better than last night so I guess sleeping also helped. Shortly after I worked out, I felt dreadful again. Isn’t that funny? They say exercising helps release happy chemicals to the brain – guess that didn’t work for me. Anyway, I shut my curtains and sat in the dark and not long after that I burst into tears. I tried telling strangers how I feel because I don’t have anyone to talk to or at least I don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone I know. So they were strangers, from a pro ana group chat. Most of them didn’t reply, which I expected tbh. However, two of them did, saying the generic ‘it’ll be okay’ and I appreciate that… at least they cared enough to reply but I know it won’t be okay, a least not for me, not for ages. How do I get through this until it is okay? I wish I had someone I could relate to, so we can feel like this together, so I wouldn’t feel so alone.

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My hands get sweaty and shaky before I cut, it’s almost like a slight fight or flight response. More often than not, I do end up cutting. Right now, I’m sat naked. Ugly and naked. Fat, ugly and naked. In the dark. The blood has dried up. Cutting helps. It’s my best friend, a part of me. A shoulder to cry on except it helps me stop crying. It’s beautiful. Crimson red. Flowing freely. Wish I could be free. I’m a prisoner of my mind, body and skin.

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I just feel like crying and crying. I feel so down. I don’t know what to do. I feel lost. My heart feels heavy and my eyes full of water. Having to blink them away cos I can’t show anyone, no one understands? I hate myself so much. I just want to feel better. I hate feeling like this. Why am I so fat? Why am I so ugly? Why don’t I have friends? Why am I so unsuccessful? This pain hurts too much. I just want to be perfect, I guess that is too much to ask for. I want to cut. Cut deep and drown in my blood and tears. I want to cut my face and every inch of my skin. How can one person have so many flaws? How can I not like anything about myself? Why do I want to end my life? I just hate it so much. I feel like I can’t cope. I feel so disgusted at myself when I look into the mirror. I want to be that pretty girl so bad. I want to be popular. I want to be successful. I want to have friends. Why does this stuff mean so much to me? Why is all this so hard to obtain for me but so easy for others? What’s wrong with me? Why am I like this? No matter however many times I ask myself, I can never answer that. I just feel dead – actually I think I kinda am.